Londonstani !!!

Normly I sound so American at times and why do I now get a European Title for this one? Londonstani! Does it remind of all the glitterati of London shooted in Hritik starring K3G? Or the emotional siyaapa of Indian-ness through dialogues of Akki in Namastey London? And probly Vande Mataram and Ja-Na-GaNa-MaNa playing as the background score. I have scrolled  through tonnes of photographs or so-called-Kodak Moments, where the undernourished Hindustanis comforting in the London Eye, getting an Bird’s view of London or the Big Ben. Now these Hindustanis make a reckless decision of a visit to the Madame Tussaud’s Museum. They pose with so many of those wax structures, as if that a museum is a perfect spot for a sojourn.

At Madame Tussauds, the sudden feeling of meeting another Hindustani is so obvoius when they get to see Amitaabh Bhhacchchan (now thats my way of writing his name, the way people do it, haaainnn!!!). Pose it on his right side or some inches away. Now if Bhhachhhcchan Sahab  would have that finger raised in air, like Lokmanya Tilak asking for his Swaraj, Hindustani’s would have arranged self under his arm and clicked a pic to show you – they met their old cousin there in London! The Hindustani Kudiyan would have probly posed with Madhuri Dixit, a feeling still in mind – Main Madhuri Dixit Banna Chahti Hun. And their Mundeyas pull them back to reality, by striking a pose with Aish and trying to be her Salman. They probly end up being a smoked Salmon for their Lady, in the evening supper. Well, I have no intentions to write only bout Madam Tussauds but these Snaps scrolling in front a ma eyes, arent stoping me to write a bit more. Those sick with Cricket-o-lysis, pose with Tendlya. The Soccer-ates pose with Beckham. Now dunnoe who is this Jessica Ennis and pose it with her coz she looks hawt. The couples give each other some space here, while he poses with Diana – the Princess of Wales and she poses with Prince Charles. The Rocky or Happy or Sunny springs out as soon as Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber is visible. I guess none a the Hindustani gives a fcuk bout Obama standing there or Nelson Mandela addressing a UN Press Conference. She needs some space again. Its her Leonardo DiCaprio waitin for her. And the Men fantasizing himself as that Painter over Titanic when Kate is insight now. Fantasize more and pose as well – Lolz! Does anybody again care about Eistein there ? Or the Hulk? Or that Captain America?

Nuff! Lets spare the Wax Museum.

Now whats that happening with the Londonstani? Did I want to explain what an Hindustani becomes when he takes a tour a London? Naah..Chuck the tourist Hindustani from it. Its the latest book I have buried myself into. Gautam Malkani seems to done a good job.

Now what is it bout? A bunch of 19 year old, momma’s boyz trying to be a men or probly a gang of Rudeboys or that Desi Boys residing in London. Ain’t it easy? No! Not that easy. Whats different with a Rudeboy and a Momma’z boy? Lots! Rude Boyz have their set of rules which a Momma’s Boy would never think of. Get bollocked once and you might realize what a rudeboy is! The one who stands for himself more. He might be feared of the next coming shit to him, but would not show you that thing on his face. The Charecters are so well placed in the whole story. Naah. Am yet to conclude but can’t stop self from sharing it with you. Don’t expect me to write the climax here in another of ma blogs!

How did I happen to bump into this 360 paged title? A casual browsing through Latest Additions to Kwench collection. I find this is a unique title. with STANI in the end, I get that Hindustani aroused in me. Click to borrow and wait till it arrives. Unwrap the plastic covering when it has arrived and turn to page one. No major acknowledgments to read, and no major dedications as well. Divided into 3 Sections – Paki, Shera and Desi, it has a total of 27 chapters in it. The first chapter would be clearly a whatt-e-shit situation for you, if you have neva faced a Rudeboy or probly a Desi Boy. Very brutal indeed for a normal mind to swallow, while Hardjit is smashing the jaw of a Paki. You can probly imagine a thin stream of blood flowing through your jaw and yoself been bearing all a the blows of Hardjit. Jas still watching with a bit of fear or the human mind in him. Amit and Ravi cheering up Hardjit to knock the Paki down completely.

With the start of second chapter, probly you would realize what they are upto. And what do they do bout in their so-called-yard. Any place of work is a yard for a Desi. And anything is some shit for them. So beware when you find SHIT printed almost a zillion times in the 27 chapters. Suddenly you realize that Jas is still trying to adjust amongst the crew and has been saved self from being knocked down by Hardjit an his Crew. There makes the entry of Samira Ahmed, who has the fittest of body, and a booty of what a Desi Boy would be fancying of. A flirtatious girl at outside but a serious one inside. She has an answer for all those who think she is a ho. Asking a date was the biggest task for Jas. And he gets a shock the way she has been replying for the first date, anticipating a second date as well. The next thing for Jas to worry bout is to prevent the Crew knowing about his Date and bonding with Samira as they can’t allow a Paki to be in a Sikh crew. The way they are doing some mobile phone business with another Sikh Davinder.

A mobile phone breaking there when they are trying their cric-o-factor by bouncing an E700 around. The entry of Mr. Ashwood – their history teacher. Ravi trying to steal away his E700 and he noticing. Strikes a deal with them – Follow what I preach or am ringing the Feds to come and arrest you for flicking my Mobile Phone. They end up agreeing with him and follow down to meet Sanjay, who has been a 4A student of Cambridge. A rich life that he leads with his business. Signs up a deal with Hardjit and his crew for stolen Mobile Phones, Agreeing on some more terms and conditions. He has also taught Jas a lot of stuff – driving his Porsche, shortcuts of London and Courting Samira or even to stand for self. Everything is fine and Samira is probly clarifying to her parents bout dating Jas. And later to introduce her bredren, who hold beef against Hardjit an his crew.

Arun is found dead in his room. Is it the Asprins killed him or he overdosed himself with the Aspirins. No Idea! And that was the biggest twist I found in this title. Samira has broke with Jas. Hardjit, Amit and Ravi have joined hands with Samira’s 3 Bros. Sanjay photoshops the clicks taken by Bobby, when Jas was hangin out wid Samira. Samira had saved herself for the marriage for sure but those intimate clicks don’t seem to be proving. These clicks would now be delivered to Samira’s Parents, her Father’s Business Partners, her 3 brothers and their Mosque Friends. Deal from Sanjay for Jas – flick 200 mobile phones in 2 days. Flick it from anywhere that you can but 200. Flick it even from Dad’s Warehouse. I fink its nuff for ya to go and grab a copy. And do not blame me if you can’t read an muthafucking slang in the book.

Whats nuff or anyfink? Find it yourself here in the Londonstani Style Guide.


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